Things We Don’t Say

This is a personal post, so if you’re only interested in reading about writing and similar things, you might want to skip this one.

There are some unspoken rules in our society about things that we should and should not share with others, and I’m going to break one today, because I need to write about it. Writing is how I deal with things, and I also think that we should be able to share anything we feel that we want to. I know others might prefer to keep it silent, and that’s fine too. Everyone should do whatever feels right for them.

Up until a few days ago I was pregnant.

I lost the pregnancy at 11,5 weeks, just short of that “magic” number when you’re generally considered to have passed the worst bit. While things can still go wrong, most miscarriages happen before week 12. Before it happened to me, I never thought I’d take it this hard. I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve made it through on the other end, and I will this time too. It’s just surprising how much it hurts.

While I was cautiously optimistic about the pregnancy (something I had wanted for a long time), it was difficult to keep my enthusiasm down. I knew that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but I was still hoping. It’s difficult not to. Against better judgment I was thinking ahead, dreaming of things to come. Now all those dreams have shattered, and I have shattered with them.

Part of me feels ashamed of being as upset as I am. There are people who lose their babies, there are those who miscarry a lot later. And here I am, feeling sorry for myself after 11,5 weeks. How dare I?

Another part of me just feels sad. Sometimes I just feel numb. I’m sure that I’ll get over this, but for now I will allow myself to feel sad. Even if just for a while.

Life Goes On…

Isn’t that another song title? Anyway, I guess that pretty much sums it up. Life does go on… A little more empty and a little sadder (at least for now), but it does go on.

It’s been two months since last I wrote something, I just haven’t really felt like writing. But, let’s see… What’s happened since? Well, it’s now two months since my boyfriend broke up with me and I’m slowly regaining my balance. I went to Sweden for 1.5 weeks during Christmas and New Year’s and it felt very nice to see my family again.

Even with a broken heart I’ve managed to keep writing on my romance novel, and I can now proudly say that I’ve written half 🙂 So… Just another 200 pages to go *lol* Slightly terrifying thought, but I hope to make it.

I think what I’m mainly having at the moment is withdrawals. I feel a little lonely every now and then. I miss having someone I can be close to… Being slightly reserved as a person whoever I’m dating is usually my sole source of bodily contact… And I miss that contact. I miss having someone that will allow me to even just be close and cuddle. I miss kissing…

Well… I’m sure you get the point.

Maybe there’s a reason many people go for a rebound *lol*

My Happy Ending

I never thought I’d say this… but I can actually relate to one of Avril Lavigne’s songs… This is quite a lot like I feel…

My Happy Ending

So much for my happy ending

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh…

Let’s talk this over

It’s not like we’re dead

Was it something I did?

Was it something you said?

Don’t leave me hangin’

In a city so dead

Held up so high

On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

You’ve got your dumb friends

I know what they say

They tell you I’m difficult

But so are they

But they don’t know me

Do they even know you?

All the things you hide from me

All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

It’s nice to know that you were there

Thanks for acting like you cared

And making me feel like I was the only one

It’s nice to know we had it all

Thanks for watching as I fall

And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending.

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh…

It Hurts…

It’s almost been a week now, but the pain is still there. Not that I expected it to be gone any time soon, but it’s still frustrating. Everyone is telling me that I seem to take it so well, but that’s not really true, I just don’t show how I feel. I never really do…

I feel lost… adrift… without direction… I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life, and now I lost a large part of that. The knowledge that I will never be able to hold him close or hug him or wake up next to him in the morning, or go to sleep with him by my side… It breaks my heart.

I keep feeling like I will never find someone else, don’t even know if I want to. But I guess that’s a phase and I will get over it. Or at least I hope so.

It just hurts… Thoughts and questions keep going through my head… Why didn’t he love me enough to stay with me? Did he ever love me? Did he stop loving me but never got around to breaking up with me? Was I with him and he wished I wasn’t? Is he relieved to be rid of me now? Why was I not worth fighting for?

This is my first weekend in my apartment… I used to spend my entire weekend at his house. It feels hard… I miss him… I just don’t know what to do with myself now that I’m alone….

I guess I always suspected that I loved him a lot more than he loved me, but finding out that it was true is a lot more hurtful than I ever thought possible.

Where do I go from here?

That is a very important question at this moment of time, I suppose. Yet I have no answer. I find myself at loose ends unable to decide what I want to do and where I want to go.

I moved away from home to experience another country and be closer to by boyfriend. I’ve experienced the country now for almost 5 years, and my boyfriend has broken up with me. So what should I do next?

Should I stay where I am, where I’ve got a job and a nice appartment as well as a few friends. Or should I return home to Sweden where my family is and try to make a life for me there. Or… Should I try another country all together? So many questions and so few answers. I really don’t know what I want to do.

I guess I was always hoping that this was it, I’d found the love of my life and we’d settle down together and I’d never have to worry about what to do with my life. Well, since that didn’t happen, I’ll have to make some decisions.

However, I’m still hurting, it’s only been like 36 hours or so… I guess I shouldn’t worry about these kind of things yet. But I can’t help starting to think about it, I guess I’m an incurable planner, I like having a good idea about where I’m going.

But for now I guess I better concentrate on being comfortable with myself, celebrate Christmas with my family… and then I can worry about the rest later.

When All is Said and Done

So it’s happened. Our relationship is over as per 2.30 am last night.

I guess I was kind of expecting it, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. After all, this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with… But apparently he didn’t feel the same way about me. I realise that considering that, it’s better that it ended, but it still hurts.

You can’t really escape the questions… Am I not good enough? Why doesn’t he love me as much as I love him?

The thought of never seeing him again, never hugging him or holding him close, never speaking with him, it breaks my heart.

But in the end, I hope he’ll be happy. That he’ll find the happiness he couldn’t find with me.

For myself I just have to take one day at a time to begin with. We’re less than 4 weeks away from what would have been our 5 year anniversary, that feels sad. I have to decide what I want to do with my life, because at this point, I really don’t know. I kept hoping that we could work out our difficulties and that we’d stay together. Now that I’m alone again, I have no idea what to do with myself.

There are many options, but at this moment neither seems enticing. I hope that as time progresses I will be more interested in something though, and maybe I can find something I wish to do.

Right now, I will concentrate on other things, try to forget the pain, maybe start buying Christmas gifts for when I’m going home to visit in a month. That’ll be good and hopefully help some… Seeing my family again.

What I Want for Christmas…

So the Christmas Countdown is starting early this year, I’m already waiting for it and hoping it will soon be time to take in and dress the tree. It’s just over 5 weeks left, so not so much longer! (I guess I better start looking for Christmas gifts…)

At the same time I feel kind of sad as well, because I seem to be in the same spot I was one year ago… or even two years ago for that matter. I would love for my boyfriend to come with me and celebrate Christmas in Sweden with me, just once… If he doesn’t like it, then fair enough… But he refuses to come along every year. In fact, he’s refusing to come along to Sweden at all since about 4.5 years now.

Last year I was practically begging on my knees for him to join me, but he wouldn’t relent. This year I’ve given up on begging since it obviously makes no difference. I seem to be out of options, and I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that he won’t come along.

But then where does that leave our relationship, if he will never come with me to visit my family? I know I’m not someone who could keep the lives completely separate, I’m not someone who would even want to. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I believe in living together and sharing each other’s lives… Visiting each other’s families… Getting married… Having children… (Sure, a bit of time apart every now and then is only healthy, but that’s a different point)

The way our relationship is now, I know it won’t last… Because I can’t live my life that way… And if leaves me feeling a bit at odds and not knowing where to go from here. He’s giving me no indication of what he wants… Whenever I try to find out I just don’t get an answer… And I don’t know what to do…

Anyway, on a different note. I managed to finish Chapter 6 today… It needs some revisions, but I’m thinking I’ll do that later on, right now I really just need to keep writing to keep the book moving.

But now I’m going to watch Shrek 2 (again) and feel sorry for myself…

Sick & Tired

Yes yes, I know that’s the title of a song, but it seemed suitable.

I ended up being sick all of last week so didn’t get anything written at all, which makes me feel really guilty. I’ve already failed my own personal deadline. Anyway, I’m planning to get back on track this week and get Chapter 6 ready by Sunday!

It’s amazing really how exhausted you can be after having spent an entire week in bed. One would think you’d feel rested and relaxed instead, but no…

Of course I’ve come back to a fairly humongous backlog of work that’s been piled up during my absence last week. I’ve worked through some of it, but there’s still a lot to go.

Hmm.. I’ve just realised this must be one of the most boring blogs in the history of the universe, but I’m doing it mainly for my own entertainment anyway, so who cares?

Well, I better get back to that pile of work…