Time Lost

I feel like life is moving at a grueling pace some days, and other days seem to go on forever. No, that’s not quite it. While at work, the day never seems to end, but because I’m so tired my spare time is over in a snooze (quite literally). Suddenly another week has passed, and I still haven’t accomplished anything.

My tiredness seem to have gotten worse again. Maybe it’s the time of year. Everything is darker. Colder.

I force myself out of bed in the morning, I go to work, I make it through the day… Then I get home and I struggle to stay awake. Most days I don’t manage, and I end up sleeping for a couple of hours. Precious hours when I should be doing other things, but I just can’t keep my eyes open.

tired-cat

On a positive note, it’s only three more weeks of school until the Christmas holiday. Two glorious weeks off!

I went to the hospital a week ago for a blood draw. Never been fond of needles, but as long as I don’t look I’m fine. This time I jumped when the nurse jabbed me, and she said “you’ve obviously had a bad experience”. My last experience was the daily blood draw they did in the hospital last summer when I had that surgery that went so very, very wrong. When my veins kept blowing from the blood draw and IV, and my arm looked like I’d joined the local Fight Club.

That little comment from the nurse was all that was needed to bring it all back, and to my mortification I broke into tears. She was very understanding though, just got me a few tissues and let me have a few minutes before calling the next patient. I never expected to have that kind of reaction, since I’ve always managed my blood draws okay in the past, despite the fear of needles.

Another positive note, turns out my values are all fine. No more monthly injections! The mal-absorption issue seems to have sorted itself out. Go me!

go-me

Lastly, I’ve started another blog. I know. I know. I’m like a serial blogger. Not in that I write lots of blog posts (I wish!), but in that I keep making new ones. It’s supposed to be focused a bit more on my writing, because I felt like the title of this blog might put some people off. I don’t know. Maybe the blog addict in me just wanted another blog. I could just put everything on that one, but I suspect no one’s really interested in my random ramblings. (Not that I think they’re particularly interested in my writing and rambling about that, really.) I just like to keep my ramblings for posterity, or something. It’s quite nice to be able to go back 10 years through my blog posts and see what I’ve been up to. It’s like an online journal/diary.

If anyone wants to check it out, it’s http://thestrugglingwriter.com and I even made it a Facebook page. Because… I could? It’s nice for posting random pictures and things that don’t deserve its own post.

Okay, that’s enough rambling for today.

Failure

I only have four more working days until the summer holiday now, and I’ll be honest – it couldn’t come soon enough. My new job (if it can still be considered new after five months) is rewarding, but oh so exhausting. I’m working more hours than I’ve managed to in years since I became ill, and it’s definitely taking its toll.

When I get home from work I am so exhausted that I rarely manage to get anything done. Most days I fall asleep, and never wake up enough to do anything worthwhile. I’ll force myself to cook something for dinner, and that’s about it. The flat isn’t nearly as tidy as I would like, since I fall behind on cleaning. Lots of things need to be done/sorted, and I just don’t have the energy to do it.

All in all, it makes me feel like a failure. It might sound stupid, but I would like to keep a nice, tidy house for the boyfriend. I moved over here, and I’m contributing very little to the household in the form of income due to working less hours, and having a lower hourly rate to begin with. So I feel that the least I could do is cook dinner and keep the flat tidy. But I’m not even managing that most of the time.

I really hate being this tired. It’s the kind of tired when it doesn’t really matter how much – or little – you sleep; you’re still exhausted. I’ve tried to not fall asleep when I get home from work, just to have some more time to do things, but some days it’s impossible. I just can’t keep my eyes open.

I just wish I could do more and get more things done. It’s become especially obvious now that some of my family is coming to visit next week. There are so many things I’d like to get done before they get here, and I’m getting nowhere with them, because I’m just too exhausted after work.

Well, that’s enough whining for today I think. Every now and then I just need to vent. I realise that it probably gets boring for anyone reading this blog for a while, since a lot of my posts are basically “I’m tired”. Which, I suppose, is because I’m always tired. I’ve been tired for many years, and I honestly can’t remember what it feels like to not be tired.

Positive thought; only four more working days and then six weeks off!