The thing about…

… depression.

I get irritated when family members say that I’m not depressed. I don’t sound depressed. They’ve known people who are depressed and they didn’t sound the way I do.

First of all… How do they know how I feel? Secondly, who says that one person who is depressed sounds like the next?

I’ve always been good at masking my feelings when it comes to these things, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, the doctor’s said I suffered from depression (and a panic disorder… but that’s not today’s issue) and I was on medication for it for quite some time, as well as therapy with a psychologist. I had a chemical imbalance.

My life is in shambles. I left everything that I had in NL and went back to Sweden since it was believed that I needed to be closer to my family (I felt very alone and isolated in NL and it was believed to be part of the cause of my depression).

Problem is, I feel like my life is still in shambles. I can’t seem to find my footing so I can move forward. I’m in one spot and not getting anywhere. Nor do I know how to get there. It’s driving me nuts.

I had a good job in NL. I can’t get a job like that in Sweden. So I’m going back to Uni to get my degree, hoping to at least get a decent job afterwards. But I’m not a good student – I never was. It’s not that I’m stupid – I just really really suck when it comes to studying.

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps the docs in Sweden took me off my medication a bit too soon, because there are days when I really don’t feel well. Other days I feel decent, but I never feel… I don’t know. Entirely well. I’m off-kilter and I can’t get back on course.

I get so tired of it all. Some days I feel like giving up. I just want to sit down on the floor and bawl my eyes out. But I don’t. Surely I don’t have to do that just to make people understand I’m not well yet? Why is it that everything has to be so obvious? I’ve never been an extrovert, I never will.. I will always keep things inside. I don’t like emotional displays.

I will not kill myself either. It is not me. Why is it that some people seem to think that you’re only depressed if you want to kill yourself?

I feel like giving up… Isn’t that the same thing?

But then… I do have some sort of fight left in me. Even if it’s weak most of the time. But I don’t want to give up. I want to make something of my life. I… I just don’t know what yet.

And I should know… Shouldn’t I? I’m getting old. I’m running out of time. And here I am… stuck in one spot… unable to move forward.


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