Mind Games

You know how your mind can play tricks on you? I know mine does with me quite frequently and I’m still learning to deal with it and knowing when it’s true and when my mind is just messing with me.

Some time ago I was reading about the games women supposedly play with men and decided that I don’t really do that. I try to be straightforward and say what I think as much as possible.

There is however something else I do, and that I need to work on learning not to.

Ever since my early teens (maybe sooner, but I can’t remember) I have had this uncomfortable feeling that people don’t want me around. That by hanging out with them I’m imposing myself on them, and they’re just too nice to say so.

It’s a silly feeling, because surely not everyone out there dislikes me (from what I’m hearing it’s rather the opposite and most people find me rather pleasant to be around). But I can’t shake it.

During my years in school if I saw class mates sitting at a table in the cafeteria, I didn’t want to go and sit by them – because I felt certain I’d impose.

I don’t feel comfortable sitting down to have lunch with colleagues – because certainly I’m imposing.

And so on and so on… It’s a rather disturbing feeling to be honest, but one I can’t easily shake.

One of my worst fears (not counting spiders and heights!) is not being wanted – but not being told so. I rather be told and leave, than finding out later that they didn’t want me there all along.

It doesn’t help of course that this exact thing happened to me at one point in my life. My worst fear coming true.

My ex and I were together for close to 5 years. Part of the reason we broke up was because I (eventually) wanted children – while he did not.

But I also found out that he had stopped loving me. I don’t know how long he stayed with me after he no longer wanted to be with me – but I suspect it was quite a while because there were signs. At the time I ignored them, thinking I was just being silly – but in hindsight they were real, proper signs.

He stayed with me for most likely months (maybe more) after he knew he saw no future with me and no longer loved me. It makes me feel horrible. The thought of knowing I was around him while he wanted me gone makes me feel sick inside.

It’s my worst fear. And he made me live it, instead of manning up and breaking up with me as soon as he knew how he felt.

Part of me is really pissed off still, after all these years, because of that. Because of how it made me feel, and how the fear is still lingering.

It’s still a fear of mine, but I’m trying to not let it get the better of me. It’s difficult at times though. I notice that I see “signs” where most likely there are none. At least I hope there are none.

What are your fears? Do you find yourself looking for (or seeing) signs of certain things even if it’s probably just you making them up? (If you look for something hard enough, the odds are you’ll find it.)



Mind Games — 10 Comments

  1. Oh Em. My second husband did the same thing – I have a horrible feeling that he married me, rather than breaking up with me, because in his mind it was the “right” thing to do – he’d made a commitment to me and he felt like he needed to see it through. One guess as to how well that worked. It’s an awful feeling.

    So in the relationship I was in, before I met Himself, I knew that when I’d decided that we weren’t going anywhere, I had to tell him. It was INCREDIBLY hard, as he was very, very hurt and I didn’t want to hurt him. Unfortunately, I didn’t love him and as far as I was concerned, we had no future. Of course, it was made many times worse for him when I met Himself ten days later, and fell instantly in love with him.

    There’s something called ‘imposter syndrome’ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome which is basically the fear that you’ll be found out as ‘not belonging’. It’s something that I try to keep in mind whenever I feel tense…

    And, frankly, who WOULDN’T want you around? I mean, hell, I’ve never met you, but you’re bright, funny (in a witty was, not in a peculiar way), you seem giving, caring and thoughtful. And you love cats and kids πŸ™‚ Seriously, if you weren’t quite so far away, I’d be wanting us to meet up for coffee.

    As to the question – you already linked to my answer *lol*!

    • That’s the thing, isn’t it? It’s one thing that they stop loving you – I can deal with that part.. But the fact that you know that they kept you around even though they didn’t really want you there – that’s the part that kills me.

      Don’t get me wrong – I’m over him. So incredibly over him. He was bad for me in so many ways (a topic for another day!), but what hurt the most in the end was the confirmation of my worst fear actually happening.

      I’m struggling with this right now because I think I’m seeing signs where I don’t think there are any – since I’m actually asking and getting confirmation that there aren’t any. But it’s difficult, because I feel that I keep seeing them. I don’t want to keep asking though, because then I get annoying in a whole different way *lol*

      And thank you, I like to think so myself – I’m not a horrible person and really, why wouldn’t they want me around. So a lot of times I force myself to do that thing that I fear (like sit down to lunch at a table where people are already sitting) and 99% of the time it’s fine!

      You might regret saying the coffee bit! If I’m ever in the UK not too horribly far away from where you are I might hold you to that πŸ˜› See, me being in the UK isn’t entirely unthinkable – other people happening to travel past or through Sweden however, not quite as likely at all for some reason.. Pff.

      • If you’re ever in the UK I’m going to be downright insulted if you don’t let me know so we can get coffee!! I’m not sure about Sweden… that said, Himself and I have a lot of places to go visit on our… To Visit list, so that’s not completely unthinkable either πŸ˜‰

  2. Ye Gods, I feel like that all the time.

    “Jess, are you sure I can come round?”
    “Jess, are you sure I’m not imposing?”
    “Jess, you will let me know if I outstay my welcome won’t you?”

    By this point she just tells me to sod off and that I’m being silly. I’m lucky I have a best friend who understands me enough to know I need to ask those questions.

    Sod the coffee, let’s all go out on the piss!!!!

    • I think it’s a good thing your friend understands. I’m often afraid of asking too many times because I don’t want to bother them too much. But if I dont’ ask sometimes I just keep worrying and making myself sick. It’s silly – but I can’t help myself.

      I don’t drink coffee (tea however…) so that works for me! πŸ˜‰

  3. I want you around, always and for as long as you want it.
    I hope that you know that, where I am, there’s always a place for you,
    This is what I want all my children to know.
    Though you are my first born and I must say that there’s a special feeling ’bout that

  4. Sometimes I think people put up with me because I’m the wife of my wonderful, intelligent and popular husband. Sometimes I misread the words and actions of people because of it. Others, I know I’m right, and he’s sticking up for them, because he’s over-optomistic and likes to think better of people. I’ve been lied to so often in the past by my parents over the years, I’ve become quite a cynical thing at times. Often it causes arguments because he refuses to see my side of the argument and thinks I’m being silly.

    Other times I feel people listen to him over me, even though I’ve said the same thing before him, or worse, pointed out something he hasn’t seen. A couple of years ago, I remember posting to people saying “Look, if he’s still passing out when he has a coughing fit, there is no way he’s going to be able to drive a mini-bus, you’re going to need to find a back-up driver” and he posted an hour or so later “Oh, I’ll be fine”. They didn’t, he wasn’t and things fell through.

    I feel like Cassandra at times. And I fear that maybe it’s all my issues, my insecurities and lack of self-confidence that are causing this. And that sometimes I am making my own future because of the way I react.

    • Sometimes I misread the words and actions of people because of it.

      This! Exactly this.. Sometimes I’m afraid that I see things that aren’t there simply because I’m looking for them.

      People ignoring you like in your example must be frustrating though. I’ve never had it happen quite like that, but I know it frustrates me to no end in WoW when I might say something and no one listens, 10 minutes later a male officer says it and everything thinks it’s a great idea… It’s not the same thing, I suspect yours is even more frustrating and annoying.

      • Oh I hear you there! Yeah, it happens to me in WoW too, and I find that frustrating. I think it’s more because they’re used to me not speaking up about strats though, so it filters out. We’re a pretty forward guild, which doesn’t put up with isms. But in real life, when things fall apart because I’m not forceful enough to put my point across, it makes me want to scream, and hide at the same time. Mostly I’m fine with it, but the moment my self-doubts kick in, I have a wobble.

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