You know how your mind can play tricks on you? I know mine does with me quite frequently and I’m still learning to deal with it and knowing when it’s true and when my mind is just messing with me.
Some time ago I was reading about the games women supposedly play with men and decided that I don’t really do that. I try to be straightforward and say what I think as much as possible.
There is however something else I do, and that I need to work on learning not to.
Ever since my early teens (maybe sooner, but I can’t remember) I have had this uncomfortable feeling that people don’t want me around. That by hanging out with them I’m imposing myself on them, and they’re just too nice to say so.
It’s a silly feeling, because surely not everyone out there dislikes me (from what I’m hearing it’s rather the opposite and most people find me rather pleasant to be around). But I can’t shake it.
During my years in school if I saw class mates sitting at a table in the cafeteria, I didn’t want to go and sit by them – because I felt certain I’d impose.
I don’t feel comfortable sitting down to have lunch with colleagues – because certainly I’m imposing.
And so on and so on… It’s a rather disturbing feeling to be honest, but one I can’t easily shake.
One of my worst fears (not counting spiders and heights!) is not being wanted – but not being told so. I rather be told and leave, than finding out later that they didn’t want me there all along.
It doesn’t help of course that this exact thing happened to me at one point in my life. My worst fear coming true.
My ex and I were together for close to 5 years. Part of the reason we broke up was because I (eventually) wanted children – while he did not.
But I also found out that he had stopped loving me. I don’t know how long he stayed with me after he no longer wanted to be with me – but I suspect it was quite a while because there were signs. At the time I ignored them, thinking I was just being silly – but in hindsight they were real, proper signs.
He stayed with me for most likely months (maybe more) after he knew he saw no future with me and no longer loved me. It makes me feel horrible. The thought of knowing I was around him while he wanted me gone makes me feel sick inside.
It’s my worst fear. And he made me live it, instead of manning up and breaking up with me as soon as he knew how he felt.
Part of me is really pissed off still, after all these years, because of that. Because of how it made me feel, and how the fear is still lingering.
It’s still a fear of mine, but I’m trying to not let it get the better of me. It’s difficult at times though. I notice that I see “signs” where most likely there are none. At least I hope there are none.
What are your fears? Do you find yourself looking for (or seeing) signs of certain things even if it’s probably just you making them up? (If you look for something hard enough, the odds are you’ll find it.)