I wonder sometimes… Maybe I’m hoping for too much.. or expecting too much.. or just wanting too much. Maybe I should just settle for something that works, maybe what I’m hoping/wanting isn’t possible or even exist.
In less than 6 months I’m turning 30 years old. I’m not where I thought I’d be at this age. Not even close. Then again, I guess very few people are.
Obviously I wish I hadn’t gotten sick. I wish I still had a good job that I enjoyed. That I lived where I had friends. Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend, but other times I’m ok with the fact that I don’t. I do miss my job though. But at least getting sick made me get Bailey, and I love him a lot – I’d never trade him for anything. Having my sweet dog has gotten me through a lot of crap, and he doesn’t even talk. (Hell, if he did I think I’d be pretty freaked out.)
Sometimes I wonder if I’m messed up when it comes to relationships. I want to think that I can expect more than what my ex gave me, but maybe I can’t. I want someone who cares. To put it bluntly, I want to find someone who gives a f**k. Someone who isn’t happy not talking to each other or hearing from each other for several days. Someone who wants to be around, and is happy that I’m around – appreciates my company. Someone who cares about what I think/feel. It’s not that my ex didn’t care.. I’m sure he did, in his own way. It’s why I sometimes wonder if maybe I’m just hoping for too much.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want someone who calls me every hour and checks where I am. But it’d be nice with someone who at least checks in every day for a chat. Talk about how my day was, how his day was. Someone who lets me know if they can’t make it. Someone who – if not putting me first – at least puts me fairly high up on the list.
I don’t want to be that person that I was. Not again. I don’t want to be the girl who sits at home hoping.. waiting.. wanting the guy to give a f**k. To show up. To call. To show in any way that he cares. At what point does it change? When does it change from him being busy or forgetful or not having time to him just not caring enough? I think that’s a point that’s difficult to see for either party.
With my ex I can see all the signs now. In hindsight. I kind of saw them at the time too of course, but you ignore them. Cause you’re hoping. Wishing. Wanting it to change.
I’ve only ever dated briefly once since we broke up. And it’s now more than 5 years ago. I don’t really know why I’ve not dated more. I suspect a combination of things. Too busy with work.. then sick.. and now.. still sick and I don’t feel like I have anything to offer.
I feel broken. Spent. Tired.
I should probably sleep. I don’t think I’m making much sense anymore. As a side note we’re getting even more snow. It’s getting ridiculous. I don’t want more snow. Please make it stop.